A Delta Air Lines jet flips upside down on a Toronto runway and all 80 aboard survive.
Hey, any landing you walk away from is a good one, right?
Just imagine, though, how the passengers felt when they found out they were in Canada.
Trynabe Funny
Defen
The Russian government never lays off its staff.
As long as there are windows around, no layoffs are needed. Hey, it’s a system that works for them.
Solver
I name thee “Universal Computer Problem Solver.”
It resolves any computer headache instantly. Got an issue finding your Start menu that’s been in the same place for 30 years? Plug this handy-dandy device in and within fractions of a second it will no longer be your problem. Can’t recall the name of the application that you’ve used to do your daily work for 14 years? Slap this baby in and bam, it becomes a non-issue in a snap.
Yes indeed my friends, the UCPS can put the kibosh on all your computer annoyances instantly. Big or small, the UCPS solves ’em all!
And after you’re done fixing all your tech troubles, just leave the Solver plugged in and insert the USB connector into your mouth. It has a nice minty flavor that I’ll bet you just can’t wait to try.
No one has ever asked for a refund!
Noom
The Moon should be the 53rd state.
And it should of course be called “Moontana.”
Meth Duck
Why do so many meth addicts raise ducks indoors?
Can use the ducks for important meth quality testing. Afterwards, the ducks don’t send you a bill because they already have one.
Beefity
Restaurant worker chops meat on pavement outside of teriyaki restaurant in Kansas City.
It’s ok, he was just making some ground beef.
Sona
i broke up with my furry boyfriend cause he tried to force me into becoming a furry.
I’d be furrious. I’d be going totally animal. That just would not suit me at all.
Only the Finest
My teabags are made of only the finest lead, cadmium and depleted uranium. Got to avoid those microplastics.
(It’s not clear that microplastics are even harmful. Probably minimally if at all.)
Some Mond
California Man Fights Fire With Almond Milk.
This is the only use almond milk actually has. It is unfit for human consumption as it tastes like licking a dirty toilet bowl. Or at least how I imagine that would taste, that not being a hobby of mine.
Demonstration
All I’ve learned is that no matter how many times you attempt to summon a demon, it’s usually a dud reject demon who can only do stupid stuff like carve a pumpkin really fast or make a squirrel dance.
One time, one of the more powerful demons did kill someone who accidentally crossed the summoning barrier in a really hilarious manner (turned him into a fly and fly swatter and made him swat himself, sorry Dan’s wife!) but other than that, the whole demon summoning thing is a total bust.
I think that fly swatter gag demon might have been Alex Trebek, before. He made us phrase our pitiful begging to avoid eternal damnation in the form of a question.
Anyway, demon summoning: harsh truth is you should avoid.
Duty Bound
That is how it be. I think of you people who never get out and do anything, dealing all day with some recalcitrant eight-year-old who probably hates you, when I’m out doing fun stuff, free.
Quent
What happens if a NATO member invaded a NATO member?
It would be like the end of a Tarantino movie. Everyone would shoot everyone else and fall over dead theatrically.
Let Me Secure
Since this seems to work so well, you should send me all your money for “security.” I’ll keep it safe and sound for you.
Send it to me and you’ll never have to worry about it again.
Lose 11
Upgrading clients to Windows 11 is like trying to sell sand at a beach!
How to sell the Win 11 clowngrade to end users (who in reality have no choice anyway):
“With Windows 11, China, the NSA, Microsoft, random advertisers as well as Russian hackers have a complete backup of your system, adding resiliency and redundancy. Nothing will ever get lost.
And with the new built-in AI features, you too can spout fictional and outlandishly wrong information all over the internet and to your company’s management with merely a few clicks. With the added lack of configurability and customizability, you’ll never have to worry about having anything work as you like it or correctly. It’s a net Win (get it) for everyone who matters.”
Smithy
United Healthcare Accused of Denying Claim of Woman in Coma in Deleted Post.
To the tune of this song:
🎵
Woman in a coma
UHC knows
UHC knows
It’s not serious
UHC hopes she won’t pull through
UHC hopes she won’t pull through
Woman in a coma
UHC goes
UHC goes
Hospital care should be up to us
There were times
When they could have treated her
But you know, they would hate anything
To stand in the way of a transfer
To the incinerator
Woman in a coma
UHC says
UHC says
Treatment is superfluous
🎵
And I’m sure that doctor got ordered by the powers-that-be to delete his post ASAP; they are really cracking down on dissent now since Mangione.