Jon Bon Jovi praised for helping distressed woman off edge of Nashville bridge.
She was on the Edge of a Broken Heart and wanted to go out in a Blaze of Glory but now she’s Livin’ on a Prayer. It was clear she was on the “alive” side of Wanted Dead or Alive. I hope Jon said, “Have a Nice Day” as he was leaving.
At the hands of the CIA, many prisoners endure all sorts of unimaginable torture without cracking. These fate-cursed people withstand the most vile torments you don’t even want to think about. They resist the urge to cry out to their torturers what is demanded and instead retreat into the hardened redoubts of their minds. Each of them stands firm as pain wracks their bodies from all the shattered kneecaps and fingernails extracted slowly by rusty pliers.
But every single one of them breaks when the vegan food is wheeled into the dimly-lit room of suffering. Not a soul among them is able to abide the smell nor sight of this fresh new abomination that rises above all other misfortunes. It takes merely a glance at the desiccated vegan cheese, the wretched vegan hamburger and worst of all, the clabbered vegan fish and the prisoners start chirping like birds. They spill it all. They leave nothing on the table — except the vegan food.
Did some warcrimes this morning. Threw a spider out into the cold. Definitely war crimes. Twitter and Reddit said so.
Sometimes, recruiters take a glance at my résumé, just for kicks. And sometimes, they don’t even try:
But with ChatGPT, anyone can be an attorney these days! Though I’m not sure what I’ll say when I’m in front of the judge and they ask me about the precedent I cited from Elmer Fudd v. Bugs Bunny. But hey, I can’t be disbarred if I was never barred in the first place!
Come on ChatGPT, let’s do this.
Yesterday, it was sixteen against one on a call and they were all still at a disadvantage.
I have like fourteen job titles and I’m awesome at all of them. Heh.
They really should have changed the name of “asbestos” to “asworstos.”
I hate when people write “bare with me” instead of “bear with me.” I’m quite comfy, thanks. I’m not a prude but my clothes are staying on.
Do you think there are still human Experiments going on?
All I know is that that there are certainly none going on in my basement involving CRISPR, a giraffe, Salma Hayek, lasers, 67 mindless clones of Gary Busey and a green roto-tiller. So there’s no need to check. Like at all.
Men, what is a useful item you need on a daily basis?
Space laser with fusion rockets so I am not as constrained by orbital mechanics.
Dang, I spend a lot of money at work. Wonder if I can slide a Maserati or Ferrari in that spending somewhere (kidding, kidding…also, vroom vroom).
Things to say while having sex?
“Have you ever thought about what would happen if a million chihuahuas fought a million ducks? And the ducks had tiny missiles launchers on their backs?”
I hate being judged for short stints as if it was MY fault or I left for the hell of it.
It shows you’re unlucky. And WE WOULDN’T WANT TO HIRE SOMEONE UNLUCKY, NOW WOULD WE?!?!?!?
It’s probably better that I did not have kids. Because if I’d had a boy, I would’ve named him “Ptoughneigh.” That’s “Tony” to normies.
And if a girl, I would’ve named her “Moniker.” I’d tell people that it was the name of her name, which is also “Moniker.” Her middle name, of course, would be “Appellation.”
My kids would certainly have loved me. I can feel it.
Your eye makes a clicking sound when you blink. Is that normal?
There are various ways people have found out that they’re actually robots over the years. Sometimes it’s subtle, like this, and sometimes it’s more dramatic, like being injured in a car accident.
It’s never any less surprising, though.
What’s the “correct” response when receiving nudes?
“Did you mean to send me this orangutan picture?”